2013 2014 2015
 
 
Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec

September 24, 2013
 
Did I mention that my mother called me the other day? Well she did. She called me on Saturday and it did not go well at all.
 

 
September 17, 2013
 
I didn't go to work today due to a migraine. I did end up working for a couple of hours throughout the day only because I had some meetings scheduled that I didn't want to reschedule. My headache was gone for awhile but now it is seems to be coming back. This is just plain annoying.

So I thought a bit about my statement from yesterday about how my family didn't even make me feel welcomed when I last visited in August. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for attention. I guess I'm just a bit hurt that neither of my parents were like "Hey, you're here." Neighter of them even said anything about wanting to spend time with me even if it's just to hang out around the house or at their garden. I mean, for those of you people who live far away from your parents where you don't see them every day, do your parents acknowledge your presence when you've arrived to their house? Maybe I just have too high of expectations. I guess I left for California with a little bit of hope that things will be different being that they hadn't seen me for nearly 3 years. Boy, was I ever fucking wrong! Fuck, I should have listened to my intuition as I was on the plane approaching the runway at SMF: felt ood being back, like something wasn't right. Again, I'm sure it was that stupid thing called HOPE.

The Husband got some good news today. I don't think I'm quite in a position to share the news with the whole world just yet though but we're both a bit excited and nervous over the news. I'm sure we'll know more in several more weeks. Hopefully then I'll be able to share the good news with everyone.

BTW, did I ever mentioned I was reading Orange Is the New Black? Well, I did read it and just finished it yesterday. I even binged watch the whole first season of the show! My Netflix account never saw so much action from me prior to this! Great book. Great show. I cannot wait for the second season! I'm going to keep my Netflix account opened just for the show. Haha. I also downloaded a sample of my next book: The Fault In Our Stars. So far, it has been able to grasp my interest but I'm still iffy on whether I want to read a book about people with cancer. :| I'll at least finish the sample before making my final decision though. That should be fair.

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Weight-wise, I'm holding steady at my forever size! Blah...
 

 
September 16, 2013
 
Surprisingly, I got a call from my dad today. He said, "On October 26, I want you to come up to MN." I told him I wasn't going to go to MN. When he asked me why I told him I didn't have any vacation days to burn without realizing that October 26 was a Saturday. Again, I just told him I wasn't going to go to MN. He sounded deflated with his response. I had heard that he was going to be in MN and for what but during this call I didn't ask him. I didn't want to give him the pleasure of thinking that I care to know. I left the conversation at that and used work as an excuse to cut the phone conversation short.

Part of me feels bad, but the other part of me knows that it would be a bad idea to go to MN. It's just too soon. I'm barely making progress on my recovery from the August trauma as it is. I really don't need another situation to set me back even further. I'm also still very angry about my August trip to California. I didn't even make me feel welcomed. It would just be stupid of me to drive to MN at the bark of his command and KNOW that it won't be what I am expecting, even if I'm not expecting anything.

The Husband asked if there is anything fun I can do while I was in MN (if I did go) and I told him no. Whatever fun I plan I'm sure will be ruined as soon as I meet them. Even if I don't meet them until I'm ready to leave MN, I'm sure they'll ruin it so bad for me that I might just want to drive my car over a bridge. Bottom line is, I have no reason to go to MN and I'm certain as hell that I will not be going to MN simply because my dad wants me to.
 

 
September 15, 2013
 
Hello, Freaks! I'm making pho today, per The Son's request. Actually, he asked me to make it for dinner last night but he took off to Grandma's house. I'm sure he'll be super happy once he comes home and smells the aroma of the pho cooking! Pictures to come.

I still haven't made any progress with finding a psychiatrist. It's just not a priority right now. I mean, I know it's important for me to find one and I should make it a priority but I'm not. I think I'm just a bit nervous and scared to learn where I'm really at with my mental health. Things are fucked up. I'm fucked up. And I'm just scared for a professional to confirm that. While I am taking my time to make this a priority I have decided that I will start on my letter to my mother. Chances are she will never see it unless I or someone shows her. And even then, someone will have to translate it for her. But that isn't going to stop me from from writing it. So here it is: An Open Letter to My Mother (A Work In Progress).

I still haven't made any efforts to speak to my family, especially my parents. I don't necessarily think it is a good idea anyway. They are a trigger of my depression and I don't really want to fall down this depression hole any deeper than where I am already. Plus, like I've said before, it's just not fair to both The Husband and The Kids. My family triggers my depression and then The Husband and The Kids get to endure the nasty side effects. Really, it's just not fair for them. I don't think it's fair for me either. If I want to be depressed I want to be the one who triggers it for myself.

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Weight: 112.2 lbs. This totally is my "forever" weight. My lowest has been 111.8. That was when I was running 1.5 miles everyday. Currently, I haven't even been running because of allergies.
Migraine: None.
 

 
September 05, 2013
 
I haven't been up to par the last couple of days. I currently have an ear infection and bad allergies which led to a really really bad sore throat (not as bad as strep though). I temporarily lost my voice which The Kids thought was the best thing ever! Lucky for them I couldn't yell at them when they were misbehaving! The Son stayed home and didn't go to school both Tuesday and Wednesday. I sent him to school today only to be called by the school nurse at 10:30 to pick him up. The Doctor said he has a sinus infection. He has been coughing like a mad man at night and he ended up vomiting Tuesday night. Same story with the coughing tonight except he hasn't vomited. It's never fun when The Kids are sick.

I haven't gotten anywhere with a search for a therapist. I know I need to get this done sooner rather than later. I have at least concluded that I'm going to go with a female doctor. At first I thought about a male doctor just because they tend to not over analyze stuff. But then The Husband thought that it might make more sense to go with a female doctor. If I could, I'd like an Asian female therapist but that might be a challenge to find here in Nebraska. There aren't a lot of Asians here to begin with.

My left ear is really bothering me. It sounds like a damn ocean in there. I'm heading off to bed.

Actually, before I head off to bed, I just wanted to share that Steve Jobs is an awesome book. I haven't finished it yet but I haven't been able to put it down either. It's a great read if anyone is in search for a book to read.

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Weight: 113.8 lbs
Migraine: None.
 

 
September 02, 2013
 
I have not heard from The Husband since this morning when he had text me to return the Daycare Lady's phone call. When I spoke to him last night he said he would let me know about his plans for today. I wonder if I should be concerned. He did mention that him and his buddy will more than likely do an evening hunt tonight so it could be that he is in an area with no reception. I take it all back...he just responded with "Eta 11hrs." They are coming home much sooner than anticipated. I wonder what happened. The Kids will be thrilled to see him tomorrow after school. They were not expecting him to be home until Friday.

Since The Husband has been gone, I have been taking care of his plants for him. I've been watering them every day. I totally would never, on my own, commit to the "extra" work of having to care for plants or a garden. But I must say that the last couple of days I found it "peaceful" whenever I was watering his plants. I can see this as a way to reduce my stress level, but at the same time, I'm sure I would be upset at myself if I couldn't give the plants the attention they need when the shit in my life go haywire. Maybe that's when I can delegrate responsibilty to The Husband! I'm sure he'd love me for that.

I'm still thinking about finding myself a shrink. I definitely think I need professional help when it comes to all of the components of my life that triggers my despression. I've somewhat come to the conclusion that I'm going to need to cut all ties from my family if I really want to focus on my health. I'm fucking scared about doing this. I really am. But then I look back to my state of health after my August trip and I know that it's not fair to The Husband and The Kids that I come home with severe depression whenever I visit my family. I may not have a choice but to cut them off. I'll put more thought into it...

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Maisee Xiong: Evil Sudoku Puzzle from Web Sudoku Currently stuck on this puzzle. Any suggestions? And you can't guess either. You have to be able to justify your move.

Black numbers were given.

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Play Sudoku here at WebSudoku!


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Weight: 111.8 lbs
Migraine: Yes. I took an OTC migraine pill at 2:30AM and then went back to sleep. The Migraine was still lingering around when I woke up at 9AM and it wasn't until 12:30PM that I decided I would take a second OTC migraine pill. The Migraine was gone within an hour after that. I can't wait for my throat to get better so that I can get back on the treadmill. I don't recall getting visits from The Migraine when I was doing my 1.5 mile runs on the treadmill. Can't wait! :)
 

 
September 01, 2013
 
We are now on Day 4 of The Husband being gone; he's elk hunting in Colorado with a buddy. The Kids miss him. I'm not so convinced that I miss him yet. Ha ha.

I know I've done a horrible job at keeping up with my rants but shit has been really bad since visiting my parents in August. I came home with severe depression. So severe, that the happy pills I was taking at the time was not doing anything for me. My mind just wouldn't shut down at night time. When it did I would have nightmares and would end up waking up in the middle of the night. Then, wide awake, I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep and would constantly replay in my mind the events that occurred in California. I kept going through scenario after scenario of how I could make my parents understand what they had put me through. I was getting so restless that I wasn't able to focus on much at all. Both The Husband and The Kids had to suffer. I eventually paid The Doctor a visit and got a different prescription. He thinks that the current happy pills were working for me but with the trauma I'd recently endured I needed something different. So far, the new meds seem to help with my depression. I'm able to sleep and focus better but the downside is that I think the new meds are fucking with my libido. I'm thinking that I'll stay on the new meds for a couple more month and see if The Doctor will switch me back. Otherwise, he's going to have to prescribe something effective for my depression that won't impact my libido. I'm sure both are important to The Husband. ;) The Good Old Docter did suggest that I write a letter to my parents. But I already know how that will go with my parents. So instead, I'm going to have to do a better job of logging my rants. I just need to fit it into my routine and all should be smoothe from there. I know that's easier said than done!

Enough about my depression! I get depressed just thinking about my depression. :( Not good. Lately, I've been running 1.5 miles everyday except for the last 2 days (my throat is swollen due to my allergies and running will just make my throat dry and itchy and then I'll just end up hacking out a lung). And my right knee hasn't given up on me yet either. I'm sure it helps that I've been doing the stretches The Physical Therapist has suggested. I did start off with brisk walking and light jogging to help build up the strength of my knee to be able to run now. Some progress is better than no progress. I'll still need to see The Physical Therapist as my knee still pops every time I straighten out my leg. I'm not even 40 yet and I'm already starting to fall apart! Not good. Not good!

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Weight: 112.2 lbs
Migraine: Yes. I ended up taking a Sumatriptan tablet. I couldn't risk having a full-blown migraine as The Husband is not here to help watch The Kids.
Maisee Xiong